I know one will need much more context to fully understand this post. However, the glimpse is all I prefer to reveal. There are all kinds of factors involved. Some I am aware of and some that are not on my radar. Needless to say, I am not going to attempt explaining those either. I think this post might be helpful to the fellow struggler. It might be helpful to the pastor mentoring younger men sensing a call to ministry. It might help anyone who thinks they have it all together and exhibits little compassion for the slowness of others. Be patient with people like me. Slowness does not mean faithless.
This is a journal entry from Monday, March 4, 2013. I am in the same place as I was one year ago. Stronger I believe. But the thorn is still there. Quick short context: Began following Christ almost 12 years ago; committed to follow a call to preach simultaneously; youth pastor for one year; went to seminary 8/04 to 5/09; moved back home…still waiting.
I wonder if the call to preach is over? I don’t know if I can live out the rest of my days knowing this is so. My heart aches. I set out to follow the Lord selling home and leaving family and possessions behind. I’ve endured five years of seminary under the Lord’s care–still very hard. Many have given, even sacrificed I’m sure, to pay my way through seminary. And here I sit, back in my hometown hoping to plant a biblical church and God has already done it and is doing it. Where do I fit into this day? I do not desire to remain at the hardware store. If I were to choose something different it would be that which puts me at home. I want to help teach…my children. What am I not seeing? Would someone point it out to me. Do I just need to be honest with myself? But I don’t know. Most people do not desire full-time ministry–I do! I don’t think this is from me. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to follow Christ. But the Lord pursued me and saved me and called me. It seems that I’ve not been sent yet. I need encouragement. Judson found himself in darkness during his missionary quest. The Lord sent encouragement and got him out of the grave. Lord please pull me out of this pit.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Going to ask again! He hears. He is faithful. He will do what’s best.
Romans 4:18-25 In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, “So shall your offspring be.” He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead ( since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah’s womb. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. That is why his faith was “counted to him as righteousness.” But the words “it was counted to him” were not written for his sake alone, but for ours also. It will be counted to us who believe in him who raised from the dead Jesus our Lord, who was delivered up for our trespasses and raised for our justification.